Day One

Crap, I hate this over full bladder!  It's 4:30 in the morning for God's sake and I have to go pee!  Reaching across my chest to brush the hair away, tickling between my breasts, my hand stopped abruptly at the feel of a small bump.  That shouldn't be there!  Now I gotta get up, go pee, and worry about spiders?  This is not going to be a good day, I thought in my sleepy haze.  Pinching the bug between my fingers, I stumbled to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to take care of this pressing need.  Better to stumble down the hall than keep dreaming of a bladder infection, I thought.  Sleepily I opened my fingers, then screamed!!!! BED BUG!!! EVERYONE UP!  NOW!

To my absolute horror there they were in our bed.  The room spun around as if on some strange merry go round but this was not the park.  Stomach began turning so violently that I was certainly happy it had been many hours since I last ate.  But not these little ass holes on my sheets, they were well fed and ready to sleep off the pure ecstasy of our very essence somewhere nice cozy and dark!!!

RAPISTS!!!  Everyone of you... I did not invite you into my bed!!  You did not ask to be admitted to our most sacred space and you come in the middle of the night to steal what is MINE!!!  I raged as they each made a sick popping sound between my finger nails.  The popping sound and blood splatter was all that could console my tormented mind and emotionally it was quite satisfying in a sick twisted kind of way.

I knew of Bed Bugs but surely they would never visit my sanctuary.  There just was no way that they would dare enter my bug free zone.  Everyone in the neighborhood knows of my Bug Phobia after the great roach event last year when a person moved into the duplex next door bringing their beloved guests with them.  We have bought the duplex to keep this from ever happening again.  Beloved pets my ASS!!!  When they decided to breach the wall to our side... it was on and within a few weeks and many bombings, powders and midnight flipping of lights, every single one of them was TOAST.... Not my guests, not in my sanctuary, not going to happen.  So why in the world would any self loving Bed Bug think that coming into my home, no matter how tasty we might be, was a good idea?  Let alone decide to set up housekeeping in the linens stored under the bed?  Oh it is war I screamed.  You will all die, your children, your unborn children, your parents, your grandparents!  Before I am done, you will publish it in every Bed Bug paper, every Bed Bug news cast and wire..... whatever you do, pass by this house don't go in.  The very headlines will read 'Human Epidemic, Hostile Environment Detected'.  Genocide, nothing less would do and I will MAKE it happen I thought while searching the internet for every possible tid bit of information about the rapists in our bedroom.

When the neighbors began waking up, I continued the research project seeking personal experience with these creatures of the night.  Until moving to Ohio we actually believed it was just one of those childhood rhymes... 'Good night.  Sleep tight.  Don't let the bed bugs bite'.  But no, they are real things, blood suckers, rapists, and they will come in the middle of the night setting up their own domain with a super military precision that would make any Governments armed forces marvel at their silent, pacifistic, uninvited coup attempt.  The neighbor two doors down had spent $6,000 to rid her home of the unwanted guests through heat treatments.  The neighbor next door had spent $1,100 on fumigation after seeing just 1 on her bedroom wall.    The neighbor on the other side of me said that she thought they had them but their landlord wouldn't do anything about it so she just continues cleaning a lot.  Ummm no, that was not an option.  By the way each of these neighbors are quite clean, they do not generally have a lot of stuff stacked in corners, their homes are presentable and I would not have guessed without this fact finding mission that they would be visited by the current bane of my existence. 

We began trying to figure out how they got in.  Its always nice to have someone to blame.  The only thing we could think of was a guest that came to stay for 2 months during the winter.  Yes, that had to be it because the rapists in our home had not yet spread household wide and we only saw any trace of them in our bedroom which is right next door to the guest bedroom.  The timing for our level of infestation fit perfectly with our winter guests stay.  When I get the time, I think a good flogging is in order and the ways I could torture this person brought a welcome distraction from the now creepy feelings all over my body. 

We tore the sheets, mattress protector, spread and comforter from the bed taking them to the basement immediately, no stops along the pathway, where an ultra hot bath awaited them.  We turned up the temperature on the hot water tank to be certain that nothing could survive the almost boiling hot bath that awaited them.  Each load received ample amounts of bleach.  I could replace everything later, Our beautiful red linen's now a strange color of burnt orange, the floral of the comforter now looking as if it had been hung on a clothes line for at least 10 years becoming sun bleached was a small price to pay for the satisfaction of each and every rapist's scream as it died a most (hopefully) painful death.  It is only sad that I had to just imagine the screams being so small ( I am not even certain they have a sound device capable of the only sounds I wished to hear).  After washing, each and every item for our bed, it went into the dryer for another hour.  Nothing could possibly survive that and I felt a tiny relief in knowing that our bed would be free of the ass holes that night.  If I have to, I will wash our bedding every day for the rest of our lives, I swore out loud to any remaining Buggy relatives listening.

We got out the Diatomaceous Earth that I use around the garden plants to ward away anything that might want to tear asunder our hard work.  We went to the store and picked up 91% alcohol and plugged in the steamer.

Now to get busy!  The mattress is steamed every two weeks and in all the steamings I saw no sign of a bug.  What I didn't look at, however, was the box springs.  As we slid the mattress off of the box springs I screamed... GET IT OUT OF HERE!!! In horror I looked at the home they had built, seeming quite cozy setting up an entire Community, no a State, no Country, possibly an entire Continent of their very own I said... consider yourself EVICTED!  Down the stairs we went and to the alley, no stops, no setting it down on the floor, no reprieve of any kind they left the bedroom.  Again we inspected the mattress, no sign at all, nothing that indicated a problem.  Thankfully we had an old fashioned box springs in the attic.  You probably remember them or have seen them at your Great Grandparents, no fabric, just springs on a metal frame.  Yes, no where to hide... no where at all!

We began tearing dressers apart and hauling every piece of fabric to the basement.  No sign of any type of bug in, under, over or near the dressers but just in case another bottle of 91% alcohol was loaded into my weapon of choice, a garden pump sprayer.  The steamer was happily percolating where it rested on the top step of the step ladder which was set up for the over the door/window jam inspections.

We dusted the perimeter of the room.  "Do not let even one tiny nymph escape!", I announced defiantly to my partner, dripping with sweat and gagging from the alcohol fumes.  By this time I knew we had them cornered and cornered they would stay, no where to run... die asshole... DIE!!

The dressers were reassembled after their steaming with Diatomaceous Earth (now being just called D.E.) covered with a single layer of newspaper to protect our clothing once it was properly heat treated in the dryer and returned.  The newly steamed, alcohol sanitized mattress was dusted with D.E. covered with the mattress cover then one by one, fresh scalded sheets, comforter and bed spread. 

By 1am we were certain that we had done all that could be done for one day and collapsed between the freshly sanitized sheets.

I touched my partners arm gently and whispered... "You do realize that we are the bait don't you?"  She groaned something inarticulate then we both feel sound to sleep.

6/19/2013

Day Two of Dead Bugs Don't Bite

We slept fitfully yet hopefully all night knowing that it would be unlikely that we would be alerted to our 4am rapist.  These suckers are so adept at their craft that it is highly unlikely that we would even know they were there, hence why it took so long to find them.  I am still humiliated, hanging my head in utter shame due to it taking 6 months to find them.  If only it were October, I could put on a mask and just explain that we are really into the holiday.  Alas it is June and except for Father's Day there is no way to hide my shameful face so it has been determined that phone calls will have to do because I have officially declared a quarantine on our residence.  In my humiliation I just can't compound it with even the slightest possibility that anyone come into our home and carry one of the little bastards trying to escape this hostile environment by hitchhiking home with them.  Our home is officially the most hostile environment a bug could ever venture into. 

I suppose that the neighborhood back yard get together to celebrate our newest neighbor moving in will be ok providing we don't get to close.  Ok, get your mind under control woman!  They don't jump, they don't fly and they are nocturnal beasts.  The backyard picnic will be just fine, it is outside in the sunshine and everyone knows that vampires don't do sunshine.

Just breathe, breathe, breathe which is not easy seeing that we woke up with the little bastards scurrying away, trying not to get caught after having their way with us.  They must have sensed how very much I enjoyed the popping of their relatives yesterday considering the speed in which they tried to get away.  We are faster, its amazing how blurringly fast hands can move in a situation like this.   

So time to get more serious.  We are gonna need more Alcohol and some of it to kill the bugs.  We are gonna need more bleach too.  After a few calls to see who had it on sale we decided to visit Wal-mart where we picked up another 4 bottles of 91% Alcohol and 2 more gallons of bleach.  The shame really set in when the sales clerk gave us a knowing, sad smile as she scanned the items.  Perhaps I could turn Muslim for a while, cover my head, face, body, hands... no identifying tell tell signs of who I am just in case we should run into each other at a future time?  Instead I just looked at her, tears in my eyes and said, "Dead Bugs Don't Bite". Cincinnati isn't very far away, just an hours drive and I'm certain we will not run into people from there any time soon.  This is something to consider. 

Even though Bed Bugs do not carry transmittable disease for some reason we have itched every since finding them.  Perhaps it is a reaction to all of the DE?  Perhaps it is a reaction to sleeping in heavily bleached items?  I do not know but again it was to the computer to research how to control this.  Neither of us experienced itching until this point so the solution to the riddle must be in everything we are using to eradicate the blood sucking, stealthy, demons in our bedroom.  I had pimple like spots but thought they were from all the sweat of the recent days of enjoying working in the yard.  They will die... every single one of them.

The solution to the itching was to bathe in a concoction of 1 cup bleach to 2 cups of Borax in a full tub of water and soak for 15 minutes fully submerged.  The fully submerged part really sounded good about now and the only thing holding me back from the delightful thought of no longer having to deal with this was only over shadowed with the quest to win this war.  No way were they going to win that easily so I laughed an evil laugh and lay in the tub looking at the ceiling waiting for the timer to ding.  Those 15 minutes were quite delightful as I imagined the DE doing its work, killing them slowly just as they deserve.

By now you are probably asking yourself why we did not call in the experts, pay our money and then be done with it?  Well, first of all, we like to know what chemicals are used in our home and that they are safe for our dogs as well as not going to set off some allergic reaction landing me in the hospital.  Second our neighbors who use heat treatments said it took 3 times of their coming back to get them all and well, I just want 3 weeks of this hell then done never to return again.  When this is over I will continue monitoring but we will NEVER wake up with anything just having their way with us, uninvited anyway, again, EVER!

We noticed that there was absolutely no sign of mice in our former private sanctuary upon research I learned that mice like to eat Bed Bugs so we decided that is possibly the reason we have not seen them anywhere else in the house.  I decided the house mice could stay.  

Going to the pantry, I pulled out every cottage cheese, sour cream or other disposable container I could find and headed back up stairs.  Each and everything with legs went into a container with DE inside of it.  That would stop the vampires from climbing up the legs of the bed to us.  Even though it is not pretty, it is about results at this point rather than aesthetics.  Tonight we would sleep bug free.

Five more loads of laundry.  All bedding scalded, bleached and fried including pillows.  I am thinking next months utility bill will cause as many tears as the blood sucking rapists.  Nope, the price will be well worth it if this works.  We are giving it 3 weeks of dedicated eradication procedures before calling in the experts.  Three weeks though and then we will bring in atomic weapons if necessary but I will win.  I WILL WIN. 

Now I wonder if the severe allergic reaction was due to being allergic to their bites?  No longer blaming the grass being mowed the hatred grew in volume and heat for our assailants.  If it was the bites then my lumph nodes should soon begin shrinking to normal and the horrible pain from the pressure in my face will also go down.  Until then, its more benedryll. 

I hate these bugs, I hate any bug that decides to live within the confines of our home.  Not sleeping well, I really HATE these things.

Muscles resenting so many trips up the stairs to apply more alcohol, wait for it to dissipate then steam is brutal.  The dozen or so trips downstairs to the laundry room just as brutal but we can do this. We will do this and be a better, healthier, shinnier (the bath soak makes a persons skin shine), person for it all.  I WILL WIN this war and I WILL BE BETTER because of it.  The victory will be complete and utter undeniable annihilation and no rapist will ever dare come near me again, EVER...... my mind laughs an evil uncontrollable laugh.  It is uncertain if the laughter is one of evil delight, lack of sleep or possibly, very possibly emotional instability at this point.  No matter I WILL WIN.

After checking every inch of the sheets, considering sleeping with the lights on, checking to make certain the legs of the bed were firmly in the middle of a sea of DE, we turned off the lights to try to become bait once again.  
6/19/2013

Day 10

Day 10

Well, Days 3 to 10 were uneventful, more laundry, more Alcohol, more DE always more, more, more.  We did not see any adults so assumed that all we were doing was working.  The DE dust remained everywhere in the bedroom, daily washing of all bedding and still trying to make sure we have them contained.

Oh Dear God!!!  I read that Bed Bugs can lay eggs in human hair!!!  Crap..Holy Crap..CRAP!!! Now what?  Get out the flea comb.... everyone needs a good combing right?  Nothing absolutely nothing... well a few specs of dandruff that got smashed between my now ragged finger nails... just because they were white.  What if I missed something... Alcohol that is what I will do....

I gathered all the ingredients by the sink.  Comb?  Check.  Bottle of 91% alcohol? Check.  Fresh towel from the dryer?  Check.  Ok ready... I'm going in... there will be NO BED BUGS in my hair... not now, not ever.  I leaned over the sink and poured 1/2 a bottle over my head.  The room went white.  I can't breathe!  Not even enough air to inhale! Oh so this is what the Bed Bugs feel when I spray... YAY.... STAND UP YOU FOOL!!  STAND UP.  Whirling around tears in my eyes, my nose on fire from some unseen source, I gasped for air.  My lungs began working in spasms trying to expel the fumes from it and bring in the much needed oxygen to continue.  Finally.... Finally.   the room stopped spinning and returned to its former colorful glory.  OK now what?  Better run the comb through and make sure every strand gets coated.  There will be no BED BUGS in my hair, EVER... die bastards die!!  Um what is wrong?  The comb tries to go through something that feels like straw on my head.  Yikes, this stuff is harsh on a mane that needs constant conditioning.  Maybe this was not my best idea of date?  Hummm well now what?  Wash it out, that will do it.  I rinsed, stood up to get some breath, rinsed again and again and again.  Ok so what happened to my hair?  It use to feel like hair?  SHIT!!!! it turned to straw!!!  Now this must be some magical alchemy of sorts turning human hair to straw.  If I can just figure out the formula for gold we will never have to worry again!!

Well, I'm happy that we had just bought an economy sized bottle of extra virgin olive oil for the Challah Dough used in our home made cinnamon rolls.  Sigh.... a quarter of a bottle later, I smelled something like a salad dressing in progress, put a plastic bag on my head, tied it off then a towel.  If I hadn't had to move the car no one would have even known.  Sneaking out to move the car the neighbors little girl looks at me and exclaims.... "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR HAIR??!!"  Sigh.... I decided upon only a portion of the truth explaining, "Oh I decided to give it a hot oil treatment".  She smiled at the thought of how well I take care of myself.  Later I treated my Partners hair by holding her head BACK, face upturned to the fresh air as the Bug Killing vapors dissipated toward the floor.  Then conditioned her hair with our normal conditioner.  Oh how I admire hair that is not so dry and brittle that it needs daily attention.

Dogs got a bath today with prescription strength flea shampoo.  Now this will not kill any Bed Bugs but it will help me feel better for a day while there are so many other things to do.  Checking their bedding thoroughly there were absolutely no signs of bugs, this does not mean they are not there however.  So all bedding was removed washed or replaced, flea spray sprayed in their kennels after washing then left to dry while the bedding finished.  Well I feel better about that now but still... think in the next few days I will DE them too, leave it on while they are outside to run then bathe them again.  Bathing the dogs outside is cheap neighborhood entertainment.  The neighbors come out onto their porches to watch, not believing that my dogs just stand there enjoying their full body massage.  We finished up with giving their ears a good cleaning with olive oil and that chore was finished.  After changing my clothing,  they are well behaved but enjoy making sure I get a bath along with them, the household chores continued.

Still woke up with tiny bed bugs in the bed this morning.  How in the hell are they getting to us?  I think tonight we will set the alarm for 4am and just see what is really going on.  Great news though, nothing moving anywhere close to breeding size so we have them on the run.  Now to kill the Children and Grandchildren.  NO BED BUGS WILL SURVIVE this is an EXTINCTION event!!

6/21/2013

Day 11

Day 11

4am the alarm began blaring!  My partner whispers my name and I respond.  I'm ready, you get the lights.  Like 2 marathon runners passing a baton we move with lightening speed, she to the light switch, me to ready the pulling back of sheets.

OH F**K!!!!  NO NO NO NO  NO  NO NO NO NO!!!!  I am not sure how much more of this I can personally STAND!!!  I feel completely defeated, muscles hot from constant use, feet dry due to all the DE spread on the floor and basically no real sleep.  When the sheets came back they tried to scatter.  My Partner quickly moved to her side of the bed squishing the running for shelter midnight scourge.  We began counting, 1, 2, 3, 4 then I lifted her pillow... NO WAY it was a BREEDER!!!! where in the hell are they coming from???!!!!

I checked the double sided carpet tape now on each leg of our antique, iron bed then on the upper portions near our head and feet.  NOTHING.... ABSOLUTELY nothing on the TAPE... Where did they come from???!!!!  I checked the cottage cheese containers holding each leg of the bed, all well in there and plenty of DE to kill anything trying to crawl into bed using legs as a ladder.  WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM???

Nothing to do, the bed is getting completely torn down again!!!  What to do?  I know they can hide in a place that is no larger of a gap then a piece of papers edge so where in the hell are they hiding?  I decide that it must be the tiny, tight fitting gap where the ornamental portions of the bed are attached to the iron tubing. That must be it.  OK so don't panic.... DON'T PANIC???!!!!  I'm sleeping with bed bugs what do you mean DON'T PANIC.  Way to late for that.  The General  in my head leading the attack upon theses invaders tried to calm me with a new plan of action which surely would bring complete defeat to the infidel rapists.

The bed torn down I open a window after learning from yesterdays hair event then opened a new bottle of 91% alcohol, pouring it into the sprayer, my eyes surveying every nook and cranny.  By now a dust spec became suspect and was squished between finger nails whose polish was long gone.  With all the cleaning how could it be a spec of dust?  There is no dust left in this house, it is temporarily leaving with the bed bugs.  Great news, that means any dust mites will meet the same ultimate demise as their friends.  This brought a feeling of great joy to my heart raising my spirits to an all time high of the past few days.

The sprayer was emptied on the headboard rails and springs of the antique bed.  Plug in the steamer and then go have some coffee, I thought, nothing moving here, nothing at all.  I was disappointed that no bug tried to exit the tiny space where the ornamental panels meet the bed frame but that did not mean they were not in there.

About an hour later I returned to the scene of the crime, bucket of warm borax water in hand.  The steamer was happily percolating and waiting for a joyous release of the pressure it had built up.  I know that feeling and it is my great pleasure to help it with this need.  Just push the little button and it screams with the joy of release.  Yes, I love my steamer just about now.  Everything that had been sprayed was steamed then washed, scrubbed with my trusty scrub brush and wiped down.

Now to wait for this to dry I think and headed downstairs for the Elmer's Glue!  Yes it dries clear and it should plug up any hole that the enemy might want to hide in during the day!  That will do the trick, I think.  No Bugs in our bed tonight, I thought as a sleep deprived mind laughed hysterically at the possible folly of these days.  The jury is still out it whispered!!! All this work and you might still have to call in the experts.  Only 10 more days of the 3 weeks you have given yourself as a dead line.  NO!!! Stop it mind... that is just the Bugs sending some telepathic mental warfare... Don't give up, don't give up. You can do this.  You will do this!  Die Bugs Die I sent back telepathically as I headed down the stairs to the basement changing out one of the endless loads of daily laundry.

Glue in hand I stepped over the now barren bed rails, shinny and possibly cleaner than they had been in decades.  I looked fondly at the beautiful heart shaped box that held our personal toys and thought, this will make a nice stool.  I sat on the beautiful red cloth covered box that we had not used in... goodness it must have been over a year since we got that out, took the time to play with our toys for a while.  We must do that soon, a year is far too long.  It just sits silently, under our bed, waiting for us to decide to bring out its contents in its beautiful red cloth covered, heart shaped box.  I smiled at the memories while carefully applying the Elmer's Glue to every possible place a bug could climb into and wiping up drips as it ran toward the hardwood floor.  Might need to refinish this floor after all of this?  Not sure what effect the alcohol is going to have on the finish.

Finishing the last crack of the bed I sat there surveying the damage and wondered if this war zone would ever be the same.  The words of the program Six Million Dollar Man came loudly announcing within my brain... "We will rebuild it, Faster, Stronger, Better!"  Then another tiny voice, um have you checked inside the box you are sitting on?  No way!!! No way would those little bastards DARE!!!

OH SHIT!!! HOLY SHIT!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO  I screamed loudly enough for every neighbor in the hood to hear as the beautiful red, soft, heart shaped lid slid from its box.  Yes it was tall enough that it barely fit under the bed and easy access for any bug wanting to climb to the top, hop onto the bed rail and then stealthily make its way into our freshly sterilized sheets for a nice hot meal compliments of our life blood.

What to do?  What to do? The room spun as I snapped the lid firmly back onto the box with what seemed to be a thousand or so bugs scurrying inside to escape sunlight.  This only confirmed my suspicions that these little Bastards were indeed a renegade troupe of vampires not adhering to the rule of being invited into a home before entering.  Forgive me Edward, if that was you that I CRUSHED to smithereens laughing hysterically as the beautiful sound of pop/squish happened right before a tiny blood splatter on the sheet last night. I then reached for my team Jacob tee Shirt.  Well if Bella is in this Box mourning the loss of her precious Edward, let me end her misery permanently, but how without lifting the lid of that box allowing the confined enemy free access to the room?  No more suffering will you endure Bella, sweet Bella even your protective bubble will not keep you from the fate awaiting you.  Now if I can just figure out how to do this without letting any of you escape.

The BATHTUB!!!  YES! that is it and I can sit on the sidelines and watch!!!  YES... it will be like becoming a spectator in the movie Gladiators!  I moved quickly down the hall, steamer in hand then plugged in my best friend of the hour to the socket awaiting the now familiar hiss letting me know that it was ready.  Put in the plug and turned on the water.... HOT ONLY!!!  Nothing but HOT HOT HOT.... Hell is too good for these little Shits... Burn Baby burn!!!

The bathtub partially full of steaming water was now at the perfect readiness for my plan of attack.  I stealthily lifted our beautiful, red, brocade covered, heart shaped box, holding it at full arms length in front of me, shhhhhh quiet now be gentle, don't let them suspect.  The plan was coming into action now and I could almost see the glorious outcome.  Rock a Bye Baby I crooned as we slowly traveled down the hallway.  "Just a little bath my lovelies and you will sleep so much better for it", I whispered.  I centered the box into the tub then dropped it from about 3 inches to watch as it disintegrated before my very eyes revealing the contents with BUGS scurrying to ride on top of the toys looking something like pornographic little boats.  I took just a moment to assess all the battery cases now laying quietly on the bottom of the white, claw foot, porcelain tub.  As I sat with the steamer in hand, gently wafting it over the steaming mess below it occurred to me just how much money lay in the bottom of the bath tub.  Then I got REALLY MAD and ran more hot water into the tub screaming BURN you little bastards... BURN!  Shortly after this I had a new thought.  SHOPPING... YAY this could only mean a fun shopping trip in the future.  Ohhhh how delightful.

When my partner called from work during her lunch period I had to give her the sad news about our toys.  She took it all in her usual casual, quiet manner as I raged about how invasive these tyrants had been, how unfair life was that I, yes, I would get BED BUGS.  They even created a colony the size of Texas in the inner secret most holy corners of our sanctuary.  She just did her best to calm and reassure me gently, almost in a whisper (of course I'm not sure how many of her co workers were near) "it is ok, honey, I will take you shopping when all of this is over".

After reapplying a new layer of DE on all the bed rails, nooks and crannies of the springs we put the bed back together then completed our new daily ritual of submerging in a bleach/borax soak for 15 minutes.  Laying between newly sanitized sheets I tickled my partners back while begging the Gods that we wake up to a bug free bed.  Perhaps a little divine intervention was in order.  I knew that whatever God those little rapists prayed too was an enemy of my own so it is on cosmically now as well as physically.  Then I wiped away the tears as I thought of our precious toys now secured in an industrial thickness trash bag duct taped shut outside in the cold dumpster.  Our precious beloved toys were now being treated like just another piece of garbage I wondered if perhaps we should have dug a hole in the back yard, had a small intimate (it would only fitting) service for them and erect a head stone.  The headstone would read, "Here lies Buzz, he died with his batteries still on".  Sigh  As I fell asleep my face became hot and flushed as I envisioned one of the trash pickers who frequented our alley looking for aluminium cans opening that particular bag.  Oh, how many ways can these little shits humiliate one person?    Body and mind completely spent, emotionally drained I fell into dreamless sleep.

6/21/2013

Day 13

Day 12 went pretty much like the rest of the last 11 days the only difference being... no bed bugs there, no bed bugs there, dust the stairway leading downstairs, check the picture frames AGAIN, Strip scald bedding, then the OH CRAP a bug (not looking very healthy mind you) on the frame of the closet.  OK well tomorrow (today) I will be going through that closet AGAIN!

What I have failed to tell you all, partly due to being a little shy and partly because it might seem I'm bragging and I don't want to be that way, is just how many clothes, shoes etc are in my closets.  I am fairly confident that we could open a nicely stocked resale shop with the beautiful clothing in there.  Now, I can't take credit for the beautiful clothing in there as a friend had lost a ton of weight while simultaneously another friend's Mother had to go to a rest home.  My friends Mother was also my size so wallah my loving, beautiful friends gifted me no less than 7 (most probably closer to 10) huge boxes of clothing which surprisingly (unless you understand the Law of Attraction) were exactly the style that I purchase for myself.  It is quite clear to me that when I had the urge to go shopping (the clothing in my closet had seen a better decade) but told the quiet voice within that I REFUSE to spend money for clothing as large as I need, the Universe had something different in mind.  Our two loving friends answered the call, "Sho needs decent clothing".  In fact, my partner recently told me that she is going to make a hallway from our bedroom in the half of the duplex we live in to the adjoining bedroom to make us (meaning me) a huge walk in closet complete with writing covey.  This thought brought sensations as close to orgasm as one can imagine as she described having a place where I could easily choose what is worn each day and lovingly sit at my desk admiring them all hanging beautifully on their racks.  It is subject to debate as to just how much writing will commence with the beautiful distractions hanging elegantly in the room.  Opening that closet to debug it sends fear of epic proportions throughout my system. Just saying.  Today is the day. 

The FANTASTIC news is that we have now had 3 nights of no 4am rapists sleeping with us.  At 4am the alarm blares, we jump out of bed with our new ritual of inspecting the sheets.  Nothing there, absolutely nothing so it is with weary muscles, resisting every movement that the yard will be mowed today rather than the daily ritual of our bedding being subjected to extreme temperatures.

More later....

6/21/2013

Day 14

Day 14

Turning all the lights off, lighting a candle and playing soft music I curl into a modified lotus position in the middle of our living room oriental rug.  Head bowed, I wonder temporarily if the fetal position would not be more fitting but alas my mind begins to quiet.

Sending Gratitude for the wonderful nights sleep, only seeing bed bug corpses on the floor and that the washer/dryer/hot water heater are holding out, I breathe in deeply then exhale.  OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM holding it as long as I can then deeply inhale again OMMMMMMMMMMM. It was about this time that I just couldn't contain my emotions to the serene placid place of meditation and exploded loudly.... "What do you mean by containing the Bed Bugs upstairs, killing them off and NOW FLEAS???!!!!  NO FRIGGING (I try not to curse too much while in meditation) WAY!!  It is a good thing I'm not catholic because it would take a live in priest to keep me out of hell these days. 

OK, OMMMMMMMMMM  I try once again.  Surely this is some great cosmic joke.  I busted out laughing because well, that has to be it, just one great big cosmic joke.  I laughed heartily thinking about the amusement this must be producing for the sick and twisted powers that be.  Sigh... yes I am definitely going to hell. 

F**K this... I stood up, blew out the candles and turned on rock and roll, time to get busy AGAIN. 

While drinking my morning coffee here at my trusty computer, I felt something on my leg.  Upon inspection there was no denying the flea that was hoping along as if I were just another highway on its way to where ever it was going.  Check the cabinets, a gallon and a half distilled vinegar at the ready.  Completely out of Alcohol and only 1/2 gallon of bleach to sterilized everything with, I needed to go to the store later to refuel 91% Alcohol.  The vinegar would have to do, for now. 

I retrieved the garden sprayer from the living room where the sofa and hassock had been assaulted last evening, changed out our bedding in the laundry room getting it sanitized for tonight and filled the sprayer with vinegar.  Even though I have seen no sign of Bed Bugs in the downstairs portion of the house, one can never be too careful they are sneaky bastards after all, I can just envision them in their tiny ninja gear waiting patiently in the shadows for an opportune moment.  This is WAR and we are WINNING I announced while trying to bob my head side to side like the neighbors teenager had done yesterday punctuating each word. 

For the second time this week the dogs sleeping crates were dismantled, washed with vinegar, the floor around them washed then D.E. put under the crates and along the molding of the walls. 

Digging out the newspaper to reline my big girls crate I see a BUG!!  No idea what kind of bug but that matters little, it is a dead bug and the papers were promptly taken to the trash in the alley.  Holding the paper sack full of old newspaper far away as possible (looking as if I were taking a baby to diaper after a nice wet bowel movement) I wondered how many of those in the park rushed to the dumpster making sure I had not just done something horribly illegal.  Ugh   

Research, more research needed on the D.E.  I am using a food grade D.E. but is it safe for my pets?  Everything on the internet agrees (including the manufactures site) that it is indeed safe for my pets so one by one out the back we go for a good dusting.  One lady wrote to try not to let them breathe too much of it, it won't hurt them if they lick it but it could hurt their lungs if they inhale much of it.  Have you ever seen an ebony black dog after it has been dusted with white powder.  Ugh it will be a while before the neighbors stop asking me what is wrong with her.  The two girls might never forgive me for this one, I better put hotdogs on the shopping list for tomorrow and perhaps a little turkey gravy over their food tonight will help ease the shame of it all for them?  No matter, the manufacture (and thousands of contributors to various how to sites on the internet) swear that it will do exactly to the little fleas what the bed bugs have experienced.   DIE FLEA DIE!!!!   I figure that where there is one flea there are at least and thousand and they are BREEDING!!!!   OK time to stop thinking of that now and I reach for the bottle of wine nearby.

The great news is that I am in better shape physically than I have been in a very long time and all it took was Bed Bugs to make that happen.  Who would have thought?  The house looks like a war zone and any blind person would become confused over the interesting smells in this dwelling.  It is a good thing that we still have the quarantined signs up.  I have gotten a few strange looks though as people cross the street rather than come near the house with the caution tape around the porch.  Oh well, such a small price to pay and cheap entertainment for our neighbors, right?  In a year or so no one will even remember this happened, maybe, right? 

Our home now smells like walking into a hospital where a full vat of pickles has exploded but NO BUGS IN THIS HOUSE EVER (I screeched in my best Joan Crawford imitation). 
6/22/2013

Bed Bug Eradication, Do it Yourself

Bed Bug Eradication

You can do this, I did!  

Several disclaimers first and foremost:  Do NOT try this if you do not have a washer and dryer.  Do NOT try this unless you are completely dedicated to the eradication of these pests in your home.  Do NOT try this unless you have two weeks to dedicate full days to this project.  If you do not have these three elements, call a professional immediately. See full disclaimer at the bottom of this writing. 

What You Will Need

Diatomaceous Earth (Food Grade)        a 4lb bag should do.  We found ours at Ace Hardware

91% Rubbing Alcohol                            over 2 weeks I used about 2 gallons but I'm rather obcessive

Washer and Dryer                                  Prepare yourself for next months Utility bill 

Steamer                                                 Bought my hand steamer at Wal Mart for about $40

Trash Bags                                             I used 2 colors one for infected the other for sterilized 

Duct Tape

Bleach                                                    I used 3 gallons

Borax                                                     I used 20 Mule Team Borax laundry detergent used 2 boxes

Double sided carpet Tape                       a 45' roll was plenty for our needs

Old plastic containers                              Any will do, we used sour cream containers

Bed Bug shields for any mattress and box spring being kept, again Wal Mart is where we purchased.

Depending on how many Bed Bug shields are needed, the total cost of this should be less than $150 over the 2 week period (we only had one bed to cover).

This first week will be the hardest and most time consuming but you can do this if you are determined to save yourself thousands of $$$$$.  Can you put up with a couple of weeks of knowing that YOU are the bait as you sleep?  Knowingly or unknowingly you have been putting up with them long enough for them to set up a colony so what is two more weeks, really?   By understanding this you can monitor how well your eradication program is coming along.  Bed Bugs are attracted to Carbon Dioxide exhaled during our deepest sleep and body warmth (preferred feeding time 3am - 5am).  

You will most probably not even know they are there at first because they inject a chemical that numbs the area they are biting.  Try not to feel shame as these creatures have invaded our space in epidemic proportions and are master hitch hikers.  This has nothing at all to do with your housekeeping skills, even 4 star hotels have them with daily housekeeping in each room. Getting Bed Bugs is out of your control, keeping them is completely within your control.  Be sure to stop any incoming or outgoing traffic from your home for the next 2 weeks except where absolutely necessary. 

Some folks will take a marker and mark every spot on themselves including spots that look like heat rash or pimples (this is how the bites affected me personally so I did not recognize the signs until I actually saw one).  If you choose to do this it will be easy to inspect each morning for new spots letting you know if you were visited during your sleep or not. 

After you gather together the necessary weapons, put the alcohol in a spray bottle and be ready because this is your immediate, contact killer and it kills within 10 seconds of being sprayed.  Open a window in the room to prevent breathing in any more of the fumes than necessary.  Put your D.E into a bottle that can be squeezed to dust your areas, we used a picnic type catsup container, it worked perfectly but any bottle that can be squished to cause the dust to come out where you want it is good.  You want the dust to come out with some force as it needs to go into all cracks as large or larger than the width of a papers edge. 

Spoon your D.E. into its whoosh container and take it along with the steamer to the first room you will aggressively attack.  This will be a very aggressive task and excellent for ridding yourself of any (if not all) hostility or frustration toward anything going on in your life not exclusive to your current bug issue.  This do it yourself project just happens to be the best therapy of my entire life.  Who would have thought the $$$ saved in just therapy alone? 

Now bring in the trash bags and duct tape.

Day ONE... its on!!!

This is going to get messy.

Ok, you are ready but not for your room quite yet.  I want you to take your D.E. and whoosh it under and around your washer/dryer and the room in which these are held.  Hitchhikers can be hiding in the smallest of spots and we do not want to accidentally infect a clean room.   D.E. kills by drying out the little unwanted guests, it "sticks" to their fine little hairy bodies then in the next 4 to 5 hours they are toast and all you have to do is get it somewhere that they will walk into it.

Take your whoosh bottle of DE and go completely around your room including the door opening setting up a containment area.  Anything trying to escape should walk through this and DIE in the next few hours.  Generally these FAST moving creatures are slowest during the day light or when fully fed.  When they are hungry through be prepared they can move at lightening speed toward an unsuspecting target using stealth maneuvers second to no other.  

Have your spray bottle of Alcohol at the ready because anything moving (that is not a mammal or pet) gets sprayed immediately.  You may at this point receive an emotional release of adrenaline creating a type of euphoria which will help spur you onward to KILL KILL KILL.   

By now you have determined if the bed is worth saving or not.  If it is not lift it, do not set it down anywhere and take it directly out of the house as far away as you can to await a trash pick up.  Sometime today you will need to take plastic out there and wrap it tightly because no trash service will pick it up unwrapped.  You could also wrap it BEFORE taking out outside of the containment room (I just had to get ours out RIGHT NOW).  Be sure to place large signs on it that it is Bug Infected then IF someone decides to pick it up to take it home, you can rest comfortably knowing they were warned.  If you have taken this as the perfect opportunity to buy a new mattress and box springs (sometimes we just need an excuse) the new items should come wrapped and you can use that wrapping, if not cut up trash bags that have been taped together will do.  DO NOT put an uninfected mattress or box springs into your infected room until you are CERTAIN the situation is contained. 

If you are going to 'Save' the mattress and box springs, apply a liberal coating of D.E. to the top then slowly insert your mattress/box springs into the sleeve.  I duct taped the zipper portion just as additional insurance.  Your mattress/box springs will need to stay in the sleeve for at least a year but I am guessing that with the use of D.E. everything will be dead within 6 months as they try to come to the surface (their normal pathway) to feed.  

Bed Bugs feed every 2 to 4 days and can not "molt" without feeding.  What this means is that a baby bed bug must feed to get to stage 2 of its life and it takes 5 stages to become a breeding adult.  It takes about a week for an egg to hatch so after getting the breeders we are waiting out the hatchlings (which is why this takes so long).   You will know how long it has been since the pest has last fed by its color.  Celebrate anything that is lighter than blood red or mahogany.  It means they have not fed in a while.  They are born a white or straw color. 

Place all washable items in the "infected" trash bags.  I did bedding first then the clothing we would need for the week and worked the laundry from most needed to rarely used.  This can be done over the next couple of weeks for the rarely used items but do NOT let them out of your room outside of a trash bag because this is your contained area. 

Here is the rules about killing Bed Bugs AND Eggs.  To kill both they must be heated to over 120 degrees for a minimum of 20 minutes (the time has varied on the web so I just set my dryer for the max setting and let her rip for about 45 minutes).  A blast from your steamer will also kill so with these two facts firmly under your belt be assured that YOU CAN DO THIS.  The eggs look like a grain of salt with a tiny little eye.  Each egg produces ONE off spring and each adult can lay (the numbers vary greatly on the web) from 1 to 12 eggs per day with the agreed upon number of 5 being an average.  The eggs can be deposited anywhere with a sticky substance to make them glue where ever the Lady Bed Bug has decided to put them and often are found in clusters of up to 50 but as often just a few or even ONE. 

Take your curtains off the walls along with your bedding and wash them in the highest temperature you can.  I wanted to be certain that it killed so leaving the lid of the washer UP they sat there until I was ready to finish the cycle.  By leaving the lid of the washer up, YOU can control how long your items sit in that steaming HOT water.  Liberally bleach any items that you do not care what color they end up being.  After the infestation is eradicated treat yourself to a nice shopping trip with the money you just saved. 

Most dry clean only items can be put in the dryer alone so rest assured that you will not be required to find a new dry cleaner soon.  IF you do need to dry clean any items, call ahead to be certain they will take the items and how they should be packaged for delivery.  Everyone knows how infectious these things are and many will not take items from a KNOWN infected dwelling.  

Take off the wall plates around electrical sockets and light switches, swoosh in D.E. then replace.

Pull all the dressers apart checking for nests.  Steam each crack and crevice of the dresser then place D.E. in the bottom of the drawer, cover with a liner (I used newspaper) and put the now sanitized dresser back in place ready for sanitized clothing to be placed inside of it.  If you find a nest in a dresser and want to keep the dresser, Alcohol the piss out of it, wait until that dries, steam it then vacuum.  Inspect it carefully for any signs of eggs, use a cleaning brush to get into cracks and crevices. 

There is a nest or two somewhere in the room.  Hopefully it is not under the carpet or floor boards.  Even if it is under the carpet or floor boards, you are going to apply enough D.E. to get them as they come out to feed.  If you have carpet, whoosh D.E. into the carpet then use a broom to get it into the fibers.  If you decide to vacuum leave your vacuum in the infected room for the remainder of your 3 weeks initial kill.   Check closely any place under your bed they can hide, open it and if it is not essential, put it in a trash bag, seal it then toss it.  If it is essential or you are just warped and twisted like I am fill the bathtub with hot water, plug in your steamer and then watch as these scourge die in front of your very eyes.  This can be quite therapeutic. 

Take your containers, put D.E. in the bottom then set everything that has legs into the container.  No it isn't pretty but this is WAR.  If your bed does not have legs swoosh D.E. around the entire bed and under it.  You want to catch anything that might crawl into your bed, uninvited, on its way to you.  Take your double sided tape and run a circle around each leg above your containers, if no legs then you will want to tape around the entire bed.  The bugs using the bed as a ladder will get stuck to this tape and never make it to you.  Do NOT Alcohol or D.E them in the morning because you will weaken the tape and need to replace it.  They will die, no worries (if they are not already dead) because they walked through your D.E. to get to you.  

When you replace your curtains, D.E. the top of them.  Our drapes touch the floor and they were a favorite place for the bugs unable to climb into our bed to try to climb.  Anything touching the floor will be climbed up on as these bugs are use to climbing UP to get to YOU, their next meal. 

Ok now you are most probably EXHAUSTED and itching every where.  While you have been tearing things apart the dust mites that you did not know were there became quite agitated.  Time for your bath.

Bathe yourself in a full tub of water, 1 cup of bleach to 2 cups of borax.  Soak for 15 minutes fully submerged.  This fight is going to be ugly and you need to stay as sane as you possibly can for it.  Sleeping thinking about these things is not going to be easy until you inspect your sheets and find no evidence they have visited during the night.   As this initial time transpires, you may want to soak daily in this solution.  Be aware though, the D.E. you are being exposed to, the bleach and the borax WILL dry out your skin so lotion yourself liberally daily.  

If you are a die hard (like me or just ewwwww enough said) set your alarm for 4am and begin doing early morning bed checks.  If you see ANYTHING crawling, squish it immediately, dose those sheets in a nice layer of alcohol, put them in your infected bag and replace with a fresh sanitized set of sheets then try to sleep if you can.  You are going to need your rest for this fight.  In the morning you will determine how the little buggers breached your bug free barrier and repair it.  One word of advice, sleep naked!  You do not want to a hitchhiker to join you within the confines of the "safe zone". 

Day 2 through the next 2 weeks will be similar to Day 1 except that you have already torn apart every possible place they can be hiding and they are dying, mark my words they are dying.  

If you have pets, make certain that they are protected because Bed Bugs prefer human blood but if they can not get it, they will get it from any other possible place.  We only have dogs as pets, they were given a fresh bath and the next day I applied D.E. to them directly (now vigilant to anything small moving I saw a flea) which will kill any type of bug trying to get to them.  Try to keep them from inhaling the dust as much as possible and do not do their face as we don't want this stuff in anyone's eyes.  Pets bedding should be sanitized then D.E. placed around their area if they are confined (crated) during the day or night. Check their area every couple of days for any sign of infection.  Most probably, you have contained them within the bed rooms on day one.  

I have read that D.E. is NOT safe on ALL household pets so be certain to do your homework BEFORE giving your pets a D.E. Dusting.  If still uncertain after looking at the internet, call your vet or the manufacture of your D.E. before using on your pets. 

If you have mice (I'm still trying to figure this one out) get rid of them.  Bed Bugs will (in a pinch) make their homes in the mice beds to feed off of them.  Even though mice eat bugs, the bugs can reproduce faster than the mice can find and eat them.   

You may vacuum and dust the infected areas of your home every couple of days but be certain that the vacuum you use is contained in the war zone and use a second machine for uninfected areas.  Be certain to reapply the D.E. to any and all areas which have had their dust vacuumed up.  I just opted to leave it as it is until week 3. Yes it is a HORRIBLE mess BUT because I am not allowing anyone into my home, they will never know.  I also get a very sick, twisted and perverted pleasure of seeing their little dried up corpses.  

Adult Bed Bugs can live up to a year without feeding.  When the infestation is gone make certain to reapply D.E. around your carpet edges or under the molding edge monthly, keep your containers on legs of furniture and check that dust also monthly.  Chances are the Bugs have gotten hungry and knowing food was close tried to get to you BUT do you really want to go through this again within the year?  I for one do not want to do this again in my entire life time but if I need to, I know, now, how to do it.  If you see ANYTHING moving that looks even remotely close to a bed bug after the first 3 weeks, call in a professional to finish what you started and they will take care of it all from there. 

BIG DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical or bug professional, any and all of the above are from personal experience.  If you are allergic to any of the above items that we used do not even try this... call a professional and they will take care of it from there.  I will not be held liable for any damages of any kind due to anyone deciding (of your own free will) to get rid of your Bed Bugs in the same manner as we did.  Everything you do is AT YOUR OWN RISK and use some common sense.  

That being said, happy hunting and I know you can do this..... we did. 

6/24/2013